I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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