I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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