Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
