So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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