just tell him i said nine months
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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