yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
