I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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