in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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