I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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