I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
