i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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