wat bout pragnant strippers??
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
