woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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