I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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