What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
