The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
