I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
