You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
