I wish I could teleport
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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