The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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