Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
