Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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