I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
