HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
