Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
