I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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