Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
