I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
