I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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