You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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