What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
