bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza