The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
