Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
