So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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