If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just cropdusted the office
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
