a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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