God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
