i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
