I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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