i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
