i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
