I cannot find my penis.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
