Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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