She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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