This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
