we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
