I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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