im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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