Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
