I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
