JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
