i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
