In America we eat man semen.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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