So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
